Thursday 31 August 2023

Every Beatles Album, With the Word Bitch In It

I've always wondered what the discography of The Beatles would have been like if their albums had the word "bitch" in the title.

And so I have made a list. Let's imagine that the band formed in 1969 and went on to be a leather-clad imitation of Judas Priest called The Bitches. Instead of singing about love and paperback books and rain and melancholy and happiness etc their oeuvre - that's French for "big egg" - consisted of songs about trucking and motorcycles and hard-headed women. Or perhaps they were an all-female band in the mould of The Runaways, and their awful manager insisted they make it clear on every single bloody album that they were women.

I'll throw in some rarities and US-only albums as well. But not The Beatles at the BBC, because this version of the band would never have been invited to record a BBC session. The picture is unrelated. I begin.


The Beatles' Album Discography With the Word Bitch In It

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Bitch, Please Me

With the Bitch

A Hard Day's Bitch

Bitches for Sale

Meet the Bitch!

Bitch '65

Bitch!

Rubber Bitch

Bitch

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Bitch

Sgt Peppeb's Loney Hearps Club Betch*

Magical Mystery Bitch

The Bitch

Yellow Bitch**

Bitch Road

Let it Bitch

Hey Bitch

The Red Bitch

The Blue Bitch

Bitch Masters

Bitchthology

Let it Be, Bitch


* A Taiwanese bootleg notable for its misspelled title.

** A live album recorded in Japan during the band's 1975 tour. Modern repressings are retitled Live in Japan.

Tuesday 1 August 2023

Barbie vs Oppenheimer: Oppenheimer



Imagine a creature that can see gravity. Imagine that somewhere in the universe there's a creature that can see gravity.

A creature that can visualise inertial frames of reference and sense the sound of a collapsing star. A creature that can see time. What a creature it would be. Far closer to God than us. A long time ago humanity believed that the Earth was the whole universe, that we were the pinnacle of all creation. But we learned that the universe was not made for us. God made a set of physical rules, and got hold of a mass of energy, but everything else was a side-effect. We owe our existence to the fact that certain molecules bind with proteins, not because God made us. We are a side-effect. A by-product of a physical universe devised by a God whose mind was on other things.

But perhaps one day we might grow to be a better animal. Already we can model some aspects of the universe, but only a handful of human beings have come close to actually sensing the structure of time, because there is a gulf between theory and practice. Einstein felt it, maybe Picasso, but for most people the stars are... well, a complex mixture of atoms being crushed by gravity, because I like to imagine that people aren't stupid, but what does that mean? What does gravity look like? What does the inside of a star sound like, taste like, smell like?


"It is a joy to be alive". A joy to be alive. So said the official newspaper of the Pan-German League on the outbreak of the First World War. The League believed that Germany was poised to vanquish its enemies and take its rightful place as master of Europe and thus the world. For most of my life I could only dream of that kind of joy. I could only imagine what it was like to be happy and to own the future.

Until now. Because joy is upon the world. How come? In a clever piece of counterprogramming Hollywood has decided to release two completely and utterly violently different films on the same day. One of them, Oppenheimer, is a highbrow biography of a scientist directed by Christopher Nolan, who is a real man's director, and the other is Barbie, a stupid comedy about a girl's toy doll directed by a woman.

But is Barbie actually a clever film in disguise? And conversely is Oppenheimer a stupid film masquerading as a clever film? Read on, dear reader, and slowly drift away to sleep, and dream, but dream of me. And remember me.


They say that my generation was born too late to explore the world and too early to explore the stars, but those twin horizons seem small to me now, because I was there. I was alive to see Oppenheimer and Barbie on the same day, and I actually did it, I actually saw those two films on the exact same day. Sadly the experience was more exciting than the actual films, but I was there.

It would have been great if the two films had been really good. Instead Oppenheimer is a muddled, boring slog of a film and Barbie is only funny in places. What might have been the best year ever is merely a good year.

Let's take this one thing at a time. First things first. Let's write about Oppenheimer. It's a dramatised biography of US physicist Robert Oppenheimer, who was one of the key minds behind the development of the atomic bomb during the Second World War. He spent the first half of the 1940s developing the bomb, and the second half trying to cope with the guilt of having made a device that could incinerate a city. A device that did incinerate a city. Two cities.

The film is told as a flashback from the mid-1950s, at a point in time when the US government decided to revoke Oppenheimer's security clearance. In the post-war years Oppenheimer advocated for nuclear arms control talks with the Soviet Union, but no-one in power wanted to share the bomb with the Russians. Things took a darker turn in 1949, when the Soviet Union detonated its own bomb. All of a sudden Oppenheimer found himself under a cloud of suspicion. Had he passed secrets to the Russians? Either out of misguided loyalty to some of his former friends, or out of a desire to level the playing field? Or just because he was crap at keeping secrets? Or what?

To make things worse Oppenheimer opposed the development of hydrogen bombs, the next generation of nuclear weapons. He disagreed with the science, but his former colleague Edward Teller became convinced that Oppenheimer's stance was political rather than scientific; and with McCarthyism on the rise the US government began to wonder if Oppenheimer was trying to hold the United States back. In the end Oppenheimer wasn't sent to prison - technically he wasn't convicted of anything, he was merely refused security clearance - but without government support he no longer had any political clout. He was left out of the loop while his contemporaries continued to influence national policy. He metaphorically went fishing for the rest of his life and died of cancer in 1967. The general consensus nowadays is that he was a good man who was chewed up and spat out by the political establishment.

His story is potentially fascinating. But there's a problem. If it was presented as a philosophical courtroom drama it wouldn't be a blockbuster. So the filmmakers had to cover Oppenheimer's work on the Manhattan project, because nuclear explosions are intensely cinematic, but their hearts weren't in it, so the end result is a potentially interesting character drama bloated up with a huge, dull sub-plot about the making of the atomic bomb.

I'll go into more detail later, but for the record I saw the film on the big IMAX screen at the Science Museum in London. It was recorded and projected with 70mm film, old-fashioned celluloid film, big film, lots of it. There were no trailers. The film gains nothing from being seen on a huge screen. Perhaps because it was shot in 70mm the cinematography has an almost three-dimensional sense of depth - I learn from the internet that three focus pullers lost their lives during the course of production and a score more sustained horrific finger injuries and blindness - but it's not a visually spectacular film.

There was a hitch. The projection broke almost at the very end of the film, so I don't know what the ending credits look like. The last few minutes of the film are a mystery to me. I did however see the two hours and fifty-eight minutes that preceded the end.


A lot of people will go to see the film for the bomb, but the one and only nuclear explosion is treated in a stand-offish fashion, as if the director didn't want to exploit the horror too much. If however you want to experience the awesome spectacle of atomic terror I suggest you check out part eight of Twin Peaks: The Return, which is a heck of a thing. It can't be easy to make Krzysztof Penderecki's "Threnody to the Victims of Hiroshima" sound sinister and terrifying, but David Lynch did it. In conclusion David Lynch's nuclear explosion is 9/10 and Christopher Nolan's nuclear explosion is 2/10 the end.

I bet it hurts, Nolan. Two out of ten. Now, Oppenheimer itself is better than that. It's not a two-out-of-ten film. I didn't hate it, I was just disappointed. It's a solid film, technically well-made, but nowhere near a great film. It's prosaic, flat, emotionally inert. But let's talk about the good stuff. Terrific score. Terrific sound design. Grinding chattering devil violins and thunkathunka footstep percussion in the style of Hildur Guðnadóttir et al. Cillian Murphy is convincing as Oppenheimer. He looks the part and feels like the man I have seen in interviews, or at least a twenty-years-younger version of the man I have seen in interviews. If anything Murphy underplays the hamminess of the real man. The build-up to the Trinity test is tense, but it can't be all that hard to make the countdown to a nuclear explosion boring, so I'm not going to give the film any points for that.

One scene stands out. Shortly after the bombs are used in anger Oppenheimer is asked to address his jubilant colleagues, but his heart isn't in it. He tries to say something jingoistic but it comes out sick and wrong. "I haven't seen the results myself, but I bet the Japanese didn't like it!", something like that. As if he was narrating a newsreel film. It sticks in his throat and the room goes all wobbly. In that brief moment Oppenheimer successfully conveys the feelings of a man absolutely disgusted with himself, in a way that made me feel it as well. For the rest of the film I felt nothing.

Anything else? The film has a lot of stunt casting, but one actor who stands out is Benny Salfdie, who plays Edward Teller. He projects a mixture of arrogance, brilliance, and menace. Edward Teller worked on the atomic bomb project, but he's more famous nowadays for the thermonuclear fusion bombs he developed after the war.

Thermonuclear fusion bombs use a nuclear explosion to compress hydrogen until the hydrogen itself explodes, which generates vastly more explosive power than a plain fission bomb. The most powerful atomic fission bombs explode with the force of around five hundred thousand tonnes of TNT, which is about the upper limit of their yield. In contrast the most powerful hydrogen fusion bombs are in the megaton range, millions of tonnes of TNT, enough to destroy a city out to its suburbs and flatten the next town along, and there is no upper limit to their power. The US government was keen on thermonuclear weapons as a means of re-establishing technical dominance over the Soviet Union, but Oppenheimer was opposed to their development on a mixture of practical and scientific grounds. This pissed Edward Teller off.

Teller is a controversial figure today. Far more so than Oppenheimer. Mainly because of his seeming lust for ever-larger bombs, partially because of a perception that he took too much credit for the hydrogen bomb from his colleague Stanislaw Ulam, and also because his testimony at Oppenheimer's security hearing was somewhat less than glowing. The film largely skims over the thermonuclear aspect, but a mixture of deft writing and Salfdie's performance convey something about the man. I came away with a mental picture of Edward Teller. At times Salfdie's performance is OTT - all glowering menace and teenage insolence, with a thick Hungarian accent - but there's nothing wrong with a bit of exaggeration if it conveys a deeper truth.

Oppenheimer also has Klaus Fuchs, Enrico Fermi, Luis Alvarez, Kurt Gödel, even Albert Einstein, but I didn't develop a mental picture of them, because it's stuffed with characters who don't get a chance to shine. Actually, no. There's another good performance. Casey Affleck stands out in a small role as an intelligence officer who interrogates Oppenheimer. He manages to be cordial and menacing at the same time. He stands out. So that's three good performances.

Mark Ronson also did the music for Barbie. It's a small world.

Otherwise the film is a mess, because it tries to tell three different stories, and skims over all three of them, despite having ample time. One part of the film is a character study of Robert Oppenheimer, theoretical physicist. Another is the tale of how Oppenheimer came to create a weapon that might still doom the world. The third is the tale of how the US government chewed up this man and spat him out.

The key, key problem is that the film is the wrong shape. I can see why it went wrong. It might have worked if it had concentrated purely on Oppenheimer's security hearings, or his relationship with Edward Teller, but then no-one would have gone to see the film. It would be a classic tale of a principled man pushed aside by his younger, more ambitious former pupil, but no-one wants to see a film that's just talking. So the filmmakers needed to include the Manhattan Project, but they weren't interested in it. So the film comes across as a courtroom drama with a huge flashback in the middle that doesn't actually have anything to do with the central story.

And there's another problem, which is that the film's version of Oppenheimer is uninteresting. I don't want to suggest that Oppenheimer, the man, was boring. He presided over one of the most extraordinary scientific achievements of all time, during one of the very few wars that had a clear-cut moral imperative. He had an extramarital affair with an actual Soviet-era Communist. He ploughed her so hard she killed herself. That's pretty impressive.

No, the problem is that although Oppenheimer was an interesting man, the Oppenheimer of Oppenheimer doesn't come across as an interesting subject. Beyond a brief scene at the beginning of the film where he impulsively tries to poison his tutor - we never learn why - he comes across as a passive man whose attempts to mould the world around him only work in the lab. He awkwardly tries to broach arms control with President Truman but messes it up. He tries to set up a union, but when asked to stop he doesn't push the issue. He attempts to clear his name without betraying his friends to the security services, but does so in a wishy-washy way that fails on both counts. The Oppenheimer of Oppenheimer comes across as a dull man, a passive man. Why was he so good with women? The film doesn't say, and believe me I looked very hard for tips.

There's a cameo from Kenneth Branagh as Neils Bohr, who led an equally interesting life. The Allies smuggled him out of occupied Denmark in an aircraft bomb bay, with the Nazis in hot pursuit. But he only has a tiny role in the film and the script never really explains why everyone is so fascinated with him. Characters constantly say that so-and-so is a genius, but we never see it, we never feel it.


The second story is about Oppenheimer's downfall. This is presented as a courtroom drama, although there's no trial; Oppenheimer's opponents knew he was an effective public speaker, so they stripped him of his power behind closed doors. On a microscopic level the story works, at least as a political thriller, but it just isn't engaging on an emotional level, because the film does a poor job of making us care about Oppenheimer. I just didn't feel anything for him.

Oppenheimer's story resembles that of T E Lawrence, in the sense that they were both given a chance by their governments to indulge their fantasies, and in the process they achieved a measure of success; but after accomplishing their immediate goal they failed in their greater goal and were abandoned by their governments and ended their lives as yesterday's men. Lawrence of Arabia gets under Lawrence's skin. It uses clever cinematography and clear writing to portray a larger-than-life figure who is brought down to earth by a mixture of his own character flaws and externalities, while at the same time not being afraid to use broad, hammy acting to convey the essence of its characters.

In contrast Oppenheimer left me cold. It comes across as the tale of a dull man who was refused security clearance on spurious grounds, which is mildly annoying but not tragic. The writing often feels like a greatest hits of Oppenheimer's public persona. There's "I have become death" etc, but it doesn't have any context. There's an explanation for the name of the Trinity test, but it comes out of nowhere. I didn't feel it.

The third story is the development of the atomic bomb. This doesn't work either. The work is initially presented as a race against time, but it never has any urgency. And the writers seem to have been worried that the audience would be baffled by the finer details of nuclear chain reactions, so the script explains nothing of the bomb's workings. There is talk of neutrons and empty space, but it's very brief. The filmmakers had more than enough money to visualise atomic reactions on a microscopic scale, but the film doesn't try.

Now, a couple of years ago I read a great book, The Making of the Atomic Bomb, by Richard Rhodes. It won an award. And then I read the sequel, Dark Sun. I remember wondering if the two books could be turned into a film, but I concluded that it was impossible. They might work as a miniseries. The problem is that atomic theory is unintuitive, counter-intuitive, bleak in its implications, and it takes time to understand it, truly understand it, because there's a difference between knowing a fact and understanding it on an emotional level.

July '23 was an unusually blockbuster-heavy month. Barbie and Oppenheimer have been widely anticipated, and as a consequence the Mission Impossible and Indiana Jones films were released slightly earlier in the summer, so as not to clash.

Have you ever thought about the speed of light? Light travels at a speed of over six hundred and seventy million miles an hour. But it's weird, because it never changes. It's always six hundred and seventy million miles an hour, no matter how fast you're going, or in which direction. Let's call the speed of light C, because I'm not going to write six hundred and seventy million again.

The planet Earth spins around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour, and the sun itself is orbiting the core of the Milky Way galaxy, dragging the solar system with it, and so we are all moving forwards through space at over half a million miles an hour. But if we shine a beam of light into the sky, it always appears to be travelling away from us at speed C, no matter which direction we pick. Forwards, backwards, to the sides, it's all the same, always C.

The fact is that no matter how fast we go, we can never catch up with light. It always moves away from us at C. The frequency of light appears to change when we speed up and slow down, but C doesn't change, only the frequency.

The idea of a fixed speed of light is confusing. The only way it can stay the same when we speed up is if time slows down when we accelerate. But only for us, which means that time is not universal, but subjective, perhaps a property of something. And I think space contracts in the presence of mass, but I'm not an expert. And we gain mass when we go faster, and this has something to do with time and space. Einstein determined that energy, mass, time, space, and the speed of light were all related to each other, and that gravity was caused by a distortion of the fabric of space caused by the presence of mass. And so was time. I don't know.

A generation of scientists who followed Einstein concluded that the universe was made of tiny quantum particles that could not be measured accurately and were linked in pairs over a great distance and that nothing is real. Einstein's theories of space and time and mass have been measured and found to be accurate, and so have those of the quantum physicists who followed him, and those theories have been used to create practical devices that actually work, including, yes, the atomic bomb. Imagine trying to convey all that in three hours in a way that makes sense.

I have to admit that I don't understand the first thing about quantum physics, but while reading The Making of the Atomic Bomb something struck me. Two things struck me. Until the tail end of the nineteenth century poets, artists, philosophers, musicians and so forth could all claim that their field had a monopoly on the human soul and the universe. Science was crap back then. But as the twentieth century progressed science drew ahead. It produced theories far more creative than the wildest imagination of artists. I don't know if Einstein ever met Picasso, but I like to imagine that for all they had in common, Picasso would have struggled to understand Einstein, while Einstein would quickly have seen what Picasso was trying to do when he deconstructed time and space.

And science got results. It gave us answers. We might not have liked the answers, or the fact that it gave us answers at all - science strips away the hope that comes from uncertainty - but ultimately it will be science that will explain the universe, not poetry. The human soul will be stripped bare by neurosurgeons and linguists and systems analysts, not philosophers. We will have to accept that we are just animals, and we will hate it.

With the explosion of the first atomic bomb scientists conclusively proved that all the weird stuff about particles and space-time and frames of reference was real. Almost a century earlier Darwin's Origin of the Species confronted humankind with the notion that we might not be divine, but the twentieth century went one further and suggested that the universe itself might not be real, and perhaps in response to this the worlds of art and philosophy retreated into insularity and postmodernism. They gave up on the notion that they might explain the world.

The second thing that struck me while reading The Making of the Atomic Bomb was a famous lecture by C P Snow called "The Two Cultures", in which he bemoaned the lack of scientific literacy among Britain's supposedly highly intelligent literary intelligentsia of the 1940s.

Not just the lack of scientific literacy, but an outright hostility towards science by people who believed that intimate knowledge of the works of Vita Sackville-West and Edith Sitwell were all you needed to have a complete picture of the universe. British society in particular has always had a division between the unqualified, unskilled, inexperienced imitation intellectuals who write newspaper columns, and actual experts, who are typically portrayed as lacking a wider vision or a spark of humanity. The implication being that it's okay to be a little bit smart, but not too smart.


I mention this because Oppenheimer doesn't address any of the technical issues at all. There are brief, individual lines about quantum physics and heavy water, but they don't have any context. There's a discussion about black holes that goes nowhere, and doesn't make a lot of sense because the atomic bombs were not gravitational weapons. There are a few lines about the merits of gun-type vs implosion-type bombs, but nothing in any depth. We see the Trinity bomb being constructed - a metal core, surrounded by a segmented sphere - but the film doesn't explain what those segments are, or why they have wires running from them. The actual engineering of the bomb is fascinating, but the film ignores it. And it's a shame, because without knowing a bit about the science behind the bomb it's hard to appreciate why Robert Oppenheimer was so special.

For example, there's a brief scene in which Oppenheimer visits a sports hall in Chicago. We see some bricks, and hear a Geiger counter. There a few brief lines about nuclear reactions, and then the film moves on. That's how the film covers the very first nuclear reactor. It's so perfunctory as to be pointless. It's as if the writers were loathe to turn Oppenheimer into a techno-thriller, but they had to cover all the bases, and the approach they settled for is unsatisfying. The film shows us context-less highlights of the Manhattan project as a series of greatest-hits clips, in a way that made me wonder why they bothered.

I mean, did you know that iron is made from the exploded core of a star? The same is true of uranium. Imagine a film in which a brilliant character harnesses the power of a star, and is then cut down by his equally smart but considerably more shrewd former pupil with the aid of the US government. It would be a fantastic film, but it wouldn't be Oppenheimer.