Tuesday, 1 September 2026

Doom Eternal: Cure His Heart

Let's have a look at Doom Eternal. I've written a poem about it. I'm going to share it with you. Here is my poem about Doom Eternal. I call it "Doom Eternal".

Doom Eternal
-
When it works,
it's Dieter Diercks!
But when it fails,
it's Tony Sales (bassist with Tin Machine)

I could stop writing, but the night is still young. What is Doom Eternal? It's a first-person action game released in March 2020, just as the world was undergoing its first COVID lockdown. It was a big hit, partially because there was a lot of pent-up demand from fans of its predecessor, Doom (2016), and also because a lot of people were stuck indoors, and what better way to let off some steam than by stabbing demons in the head with a serrated blade.

But success is relative. Doom Eternal was multi-platform, but it was at heart a PC game, or at the very least it came into its own with mouse and keyboard control. It was released for the Xbox and PlayStation as well, and a few months later there was a surprisingly slick Nintendo Switch port, but they were all controller-only. I have no idea why developers don't allow console gamers to use mouse and keyboard. Games consoles have USB ports. Do console owners not have tables? Can't they balance a plank of wood on their laps?

To that end I ventured out into the streets of south London. I asked a selection of random passers-by if they could balance a plank of wood on their laps. They all ignored me. Doom Eternal was released on the very same day as Animal Crossing: New Horizons, which was the latest in Nintendo's super-cute life simulator franchise. The press laughed heartily at the contrast between the two games. Doom Eternal's gameplay involves ripping demons limb from limb and also stabbing them in the head with a serrated blade, whereas New Horizons involves planting seeds. Doom Eternal ends with the player discovering that heaven is a lie, built on the suffering of the innocent, and that his god is a false god. New Horizons does not have that, and yet despite an almost total lack of gore and blasphemy it was the more popular of the two games by a huge margin.

See, New Horizons is a console game, released exclusively for the Nintendo Switch. It's a different world. Despite the fact that COVID caused a shortage of Switches, New Horizons went on to sell almost fifty million copies, grossing over two billion dollars. It's one of the most popular games of all. It has almost certainly outsold the entire Doom franchise single-handedly. Doom Eternal apparently shifted around eight million copies over the same period, which was excellent for such a niche title, but the relative sales figures do highlight the fact that PCs and consoles live in different worlds.

It must have been tempting for the developers to soften up Doom Eternal and make it console-friendly. But if there is one thing the developers learned from the fate of Valen, the Betrayer, whose treason brought down the Night Sentinels of Argent D'Nur, it's that temptation is a path that only leads to ruin. Instead they held firm. They made Doom Eternal for us. PC gamers. You and I. We. Us.

The Doom franchise has always been aimed at us. Now, Id Software has never been prejudiced against games consoles. The original Doom (1993) was ported to all of the popular consoles of its time, and speaking as a PC person, the PlayStation port of Doom was surprisingly clever. It had a spooky tone that gave the game an identity of its own. In the thirty years or so that have passed since the release of the first game in the series, Doom has been made to run on all manner of stuff, including fridges, fitness watches, pocket calculators, even Doom itself. But at heart it's a PC game, for PC gamers. You and I. We. Us.

Doom and Doom II also run inside Doom Eternal, as an easter egg. The game uses a later version of the .WAD files that replaces the Red Cross icon with pills. It also strips out all the Nazi textures and models from the Wolfenstein levels.

If you run the .WAD file in a source port the Wolfenstein levels look very bare, as at the top here.

The PC as a games platform has waxed and waned over the years. It costs just as much to develop a PC game as it does to develop a console game, but sales are lower, because PCs are expensive pieces of equipment that target an older market. PC owners have to pay for their car, and childcare, and Nike Air Monarchs and so forth. PC developers can ameliorate the cost of development by porting their game to consoles, but this risks diluting all the things that make PC games special.

Furthermore some games are more multi-platformy than others. Undertale? That's an easy port. But fast-paced first-person shooters don't translate well to games consoles, because it's a lot harder to move and aim effectively with a hand controller than it is with a mouse and keyboard. As a result the first-person shooter has evolved into two distinct forms. Old-school, PC-style first person shooters tend to be fast-paced, skill-heavy, and also very rare nowadays, because the PC market is relatively small.

In contrast console shooters are slower, and tend to emphasise scripted action setpieces and cutscenes rather than twitch-style gameplay. They sell in the tens of millions. It's like the difference between Carcass and Def Leppard. In theory they play the same genre of music, and they both have their strengths, but one is greasier and nastier than the other. It's ironic, in a way. Historically it was PC games that were slow and console games that were fast. The first-person shooter is a peculiar inversion.

There was a time when it seemed that our kind might triumph. That we would win. But it was not to last. The light faded. I like to imagine the light finally dimmed towards the end of 2007, when Unreal Tournament 3 and Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare were released within a few days of each other in November of that year. One of those games was the future, the other was Unreal Tournament 3. One of those games sold millions, and was remade a decade later into a title that sold tens of millions, while the other isn't available any more and can't be played online because the servers were shut down.

But sometimes the pendulum swings the other way. In the 1980s the PC games market was dominated by role-playing games and flight simulators. Meanwhile kids wanted to play Sonic the Hedgehog and Street Fighter II. Then Doom came along, at which point the PC abruptly and unexpectedly became the hippest gaming platform around. Kids wanted 3D action, and the PC had the best 3D action game around. Even after the launch of the original PlayStation and its contemporaries the PC was the only platform that could play multiplayer games over the internet.

Consoles caught up around the middle of the 2000s and went on to dominate the market, but every so often a new PC game comes out that reminds people of why they spent £1,000 on an ugly metal box that breaks every time the drivers are updated.

For example 2004 had Half-Life 2, World of Warcraft, and Doom 3, all of which were popular, critically-acclaimed, extremely influential PC titles. They were eventually ported to consoles, and although the OG Xbox version of the first and last were impressive technical feats they weren't the same. In 2007 STALKER and Crysis showcased the PC's raw graphical power, and a few years after that Minecraft began its swift march to global domination on the PC, before being ported to consoles a few years later. PC-only hits are few and far between, but they haven't completely gone away. Also, you can't bittorrent the entire Ice Road Truckers franchise with a PlayStation 4. You can download or at least view pornography on a PlayStation 4, but it feels weird. So the PC still has a niche.

Let's fast-forward to 2016. Id Software's new Doom title didn't promise much. It had a troubled development and good-but-not-great reviews. However word of mouth had it that the single-player campaign was something special. At a time when the market was getting sick of story-driven military shooters Doom 2016 was non-stop action. Sales were modest, but the Doom franchise was back.

There had been revivals of the meat-and-potatoes first person shooter before. As early as 2001 Croteam's Serious Sam was built around large-scale slaughter arenas. The incredibly long-awaited Duke Nukem Forever (2011) was at least initially intended as a return to 90s-style action, although the end result was a peculiar mish-mash of essentially every gaming trend that had appeared in the 2000s. Doom 2016 on the other hand was a polished, A-list title from a major publisher, with a slick engine and great gameplay focused entirely on running around and shooting things. There were no physics puzzles and no driving sequences. Furthermore it was made by Id Software, the very company that had invented the genre, although by 2016 most of the team that worked on its 1990s classics had left the company.

As a PC person I am fond of Doom (2016). How can I put it? Imagine that you're British, and you've resigned yourself to the fact that Britain will never win Wimbledon again. And then suddenly there is a flash of light, and Andy Murray appears, crouched over, naked, transported from the future, covered in blood, as in The Terminator. He pulls himself up to his full height and surveys the lights of London in the distance. After ripping the hearts out of some punks and stealing their clothes he goes on to win the US Open, and then Wimbledon.

And then he wins Wimbledon again, thus proving that it wasn't a fluke. All of a sudden Britain is back, and all the nations of the world want us to manage their affairs. India gives ownership of its mineral resources to Britain in exchange for protection from Belgium. The government of the United States realises that monarchy is the way to go, and the United States becomes part of the British Empire once again. We allow all of the States of the United States to retain their names, but they are now counties.

Simultaneously Egypt apologises for nationalising the Suez Canal. France admits that it is broken and wrong. Gemma Arterton becomes Queen, and an amendment to the Magna Carta compels her to wear red leather thigh-high boots at all times, as in the video for Kylie Minogue's "Padam Padam". Argentina admits it was joking about the Falklands. Germany dissolves and freely gives its territory to Poland and the Netherlands. Denmark finally sorts out the Schleswig-Holstein question.

Imagine how you would feel, if you were British, and all of those things happened. You would be overjoyed. That is why we must all vote Reform in the next general election. Only they can make those things happen.

This is how PC gamers felt about Doom (2016). The game was a breath of fresh air. There was something uncompromising about it, because the developers were on our side. It was an old-school PC-style first-person shooter, a genuinely difficult game that rewarded skill, and it was made for us. What would Id do next? What was the sequel going to be like? Could Andy Murray win Wimbledon forever?

If you're reading this, Gemma Arterton, it took Rosamund Pike another twenty years to find her groove after Die Another Day. You still have time.

Still have time. I'm old enough to remember the original, original Doom, which came out in 1993. It was technically mindblowing in a way that's impossible to recapture nowadays, and for a few years afterwards Id Software was the world leader in 3D action games. The sequel, Doom II, was more of the same, but better, and the company's next project, Quake (1996), continued their technical dominance over the competition.

But it didn't last. Id was staffed with passionate assholes who quickly got sick of having to spend fifteen hours a day in each other's company. By the end of the 1990s almost all of the people who worked on Doom had left. As I write these words most of them are still alive - morituri te salutant, Bobby Prince - and they remain in contact with each other on Twitter, but the chances of them going back into business with each other are nil. Id's technical leadership continued until roughly 2004, with Doom 3, which had a clever engine but controversial gameplay. From that point onwards the company's output slowed down.

Amongst other things Id pioneered the idea of licencing out their game engine to other companies, instead of keeping it all in-house, but after some initial success the Id Tech engine fell by the wayside. It had strong competition from Valve Software's Source, and latterly Epic's Unreal Engine, which as of this writing is more or less the default non-mobile video game engine. Universities run courses on Unreal 5, while Id Tech is only used by Id and a handful of Id's friends.

Id's next big thing after Doom 3 was Rage, which was released in 2011 to a tepid reception. I've written about it before. Technically it was very clever, and visually it has aged well, but it had an anonymous blandness to it and the story felt unfinished. A year later John Carmack left the company. He was the chief technical guru behind Doom and Quake and the Id Tech engine. From that point onwards Id became the Sugababes of software development. The same name, a similar style, but all the people were different.

And yet there was a lot of residual affection for Id's games. In 2014 MachineGames had a big hit with a surprisingly good reboot of Id's prototypical first-person-shooter Wolfenstein, which spawned a long-running franchise of its own. Circa 2022 the updated re-releases of Quake and Quake II had a strong reception on consoles. I remember hating Quake when it came out, but I grew it like it. Quake II was sort-of mid when it was new, and it remains sort-of mid.

After Rage I have the impression that most PC gaming fans wrote off Id. Without John Carmack, what was the point? Was it even Id any more? Id's next project was a reboot of Doom, but development didn't go smoothly. The original plan was for a military-style shooter set on Earth, but after a couple of years' work the team realised that the game was boring, so they decided to go back to basics and throw in demons and hellspawn and serrated blades and so forth.

One good thing that came from the cancelled Doom 4 was the glory kill. When some of the baddies were mortally wounded but not killed they became stunned, at which point the player could close in and perform a close-quarters execution. This involved ripping open their chests or stomping on their heads or crushing their skulls. The basic idea of a glory kill is old as the hills, but it's an unusual mechanic for a first-person shooter, not least because it doesn't work well in a multiplayer game. The team designed the glory kill so that it would reward the player with health and ammo, which encouraged an aggressive, in-your-face playstyle. It was a simple idea but it worked incredibly well.

Doom (2016) was released to a positive-but-not-rapturous reception. On a personal level I don't remember seeing any publicity for it at the time. I assumed it was a b-list title. The multiplayer game was an afterthought, but the single-player campaign attracted praise, and although I don't have access to official sales numbers I have the impression that it sold and kept selling. Ultimately it was nowhere near as popular as contemporary hits such as Fallout 4 or The Witcher 3, but for a niche first-person shooter aimed at elderly PC owners and heavy metal fans it was a substantial success.

I picked it up on budget in 2020 and enjoyed it. I couldn't quite put my finger on what made it so much fun. It was slick, but it didn't seem to do anything new. I realise now that the glory kill mechanic was the key. Glory kills were optional, but they encouraged the player to get stuck into the fighting instead of staying away. They encouraged a dynamic style of gameplay whereby the player had to close with the demons, deal massive damage, then dance away before the bigger demons got too close. Speedruns of the ultra-nightmare difficulty mode - where the game throws the player back to the menu screen if they die - have the same bewildering, hypnotic quality as the old Quake Done Quick videos.

There was another clever idea. Some of the baddies - shielded soldiers, most obviously - were vulnerable to certain weapons and not others, which led to a gameplay style that encouraged weapon switching. It was a little bit of extra work that made the gameplay feel more complicated. It wasn't oppressive, and the player could complete the entire game with the shotgun and super machinegun, but it added a bit of depth.

The storyline and characterisation were simple, but memorable, and there was a complicated backstory that didn't get in the way of the shooting. In advance of this blog post I replayed it, and it holds up. The platforming is still annoying, but there isn't much of it. The story doesn't slow down the action. What is the story, by the way? In the future the morally flexible United Aerospace Corporation finds a way to drain energy from hell, so they set up a refinery on Mars, just in case something goes wrong.

Inevitably the hell energy corrupts the staff of the Mars base and things go to pot. Luckily the UAC had done a bit of archaeological work beforehand. They had found a mysterious stone coffin containing the body of a man. A man who was both dead and alive, human and not human. A man possessed of a steel-barrelled sword of vengeance. Shortly after the forces of hell began pouring into our dimension the man burst out of his stone sarcophagus, on a single-minded mission to defeat the forces of hell. He is THE DOOMSLAYER, e.g. the player character. An immortal, trans-dimensional warrior who hunts down and kills demons. There's a backstory involving an order of holy warriors and giant monsters, but the player doesn't have to pay any attention to it.

It's good to be The DOOMSLAYER. He's tough, but he isn't an asshole. He's disappointed with humanity, but he's on our side. He was one of us, once. He just wants to have a nap.

The story treads a fine balance between serious and stupid. The opening narration asks the player to rip and tear "until it is done", which sounds portentous, but it's also a tongue-in-cheek reference to a notoriously awful promotional comic for the original, original Doom. The sequel has overt references to Repercussions of Evil, a poor-quality amateur short story based on the original game. The rest of the Doom mythos combines serious mythology with the occasional reference to tie-in novels and fan-fiction. It's basically a heavy metal concept album, but as a video game. Some of the skyboxes are basically gatefold heavy metal album covers.

Still, Doom Eternal. Is it any good? Dieter Diercks, or Tony Sales? Four stars out of five, goodbye.
 
Ye Gods, it's frustrating. The original game had a simple structure. It was essentially a series of combat arenas linked together with corridors. The corridors had a little bit of fighting and some exploration, but the meat of the game was a series of battles, one after the other, and then there was pudding, and then there was meat again, which sounds horrible - you can't go back to savoury - but let's imagine that The DOOMSLAYER is ravenous, on account of the fact that he has been in suspended animation since the end of the Second Age.

Doom Eternal has a similar structure. It has combat arenas, punctuated by transitional bits. I have the impression that the developers split themselves into three teams. One team worked on the combat arenas. A second team worked on the transitional, linking sections, and a third polished up the story. All three teams excelled themselves, and yet the end result is like a mixture of meat and pudding, all on the same plate. Ice cream and mashed potato and gravy, coexisting awkwardly.

The combat is fantastic. It's absolutely superb. Full marks. If the developers had stopped there I would love Doom Eternal. The combat combines the hard-and-heavy up-close fighting of Doom (2016) with the more fluid, acrobatic jumping and shooting of Quake III Arena or Unreal Tournament. Do you remember how you could turn the gravity down in Unreal Tournament? It's like that. I would have been perfectly happy if the game had been just a series of combat arenas one after the other. A single, enormous, unending battle punctuated by the occasional loading pause. It would be like biting into an electrical cable. Numbing, and then transcendent.

The combat is tricky at first. The game throws a lot of new mechanics at the player. Some of them were controversial when the game came out. The game encourages the player to use specific weapons against specific baddies, but this is presented in a hamfisted way, as if it was mandatory. If the game merely pointed out that some baddies had destructible weapons, it wouldn't be so bad, but the game implies that the player will have to keep switching from one weapon to the next, targeting weak points until they go dizzy. In reality it's optional. Even on the hardest difficulty level it's just an optional bonus way of doing some extra damage, or knobbling a monster quicker than usual.

It left a bad taste in my mouth. At the beginning of the game I remember wondering if the gameplay was going to be a big memory test, whereby I would have to keep switching between two dozen different combinations of weapon and weapons mods. The rock-paper-scissors aspect also has the effect of making certain weapons redundant. I never bothered with the heavy cannon's micro missiles, for example, because the sniper scope was far more useful. The scope disables the weapons of three different baddies and also has added headshot damage against the smaller demons, whereas the micro missiles have no special use.

Ditto the shotgun's full-auto mod, which was far less versatile than the sticky bombs. Also ditto the plasma gun's microwave beam, which appears to have no special use at all in the base game. To make things worse the rock-paper-scissors aspect feels half-baked. The game emphasises it at the beginning, but gives up on it later on. The weapons that appear later in the game can't specifically target weak spots, and the more powerful baddies don't have any. By the time the player is confronted with Dread Knights and Tyrants the rock-paper-scissors aspect is a distant memory.

Furthermore the one gun mechanic I found myself using the most - the super shotgun's meathook - is introduced almost in passing. It is by far the most memorable of all the new ideas in Doom Eternal. It transforms the arenas into kinetic aerial ballet, but the game treats it as just one of many extra weapon modifications. I was expecting it to be used in the platform sections, for example, but no. Someone should have noticed during playtesting that the meathook was awesome, and encouraged the designers to exploit it more, but they didn't.

Mid-way through the game I settled on the super shotgun for virtually everything. A combination of flaming meathook, jump, aim down slightly, point-blank shotgun blast, blood punch, grenade, followed by jumping away carried me through most of the later levels. It's like Bionic Commando, but on speed.

The other new mechanic is a Predator-style shoulder-mounted projectile launcher. The concept sounds great, but in practice it feels tacked-on. It has three functions. It can fire a grenade, plus a frost grenade that freezes the baddies, plus a flame belch that sets the demons on fire. Each has a use, but the more I played the game the less I liked the projectile launcher. The plasma gun in Doom 2016 had a useful secondary mode that fired stun bombs. The new plasma gun replaces that with a microwave beam that I never used.

I put it to you, developers of Doom, that it would have been simpler to just keep the stun bomb, and omit the frost grenade entirely. Then the player wouldn't have to remember to use the G key now and again. 

The grenade itself overlaps with the shotgun's sticky bomb, so why not be bold and get rid of that, too? It isn't used for any puzzles. In practice it just increases the player's damage output by a small amount every twenty seconds or so. As for the flame belch, why not give the shotgun a weapons mod that fires incendiary shells? By implementing these three changes the projectile launcher could be removed, and thus I have saved the player from having to remember the G, R, and CTRL keys, you can thank me later. There's a fine line between a gameplay mechanic that makes the game more entertaining, and a mechanic that just gives the player more keys to press. The projectile launcher is firmly in the latter category.

The other big new thing is an expanded emphasis on glory kills. In the first game the maps had plenty of ammo, and the extra health and armour from a glory kill was a bonus. Doom Eternal largely strips the maps of ammo bonuses and gives the player a much smaller ammo load. The game expects the player to keep The DOOMSLAYER in business by farming the demons. Thus the aforementioned flame belch, which makes the demons drop armour, but has basically no other use at all.

On the one hand the flame belch feels like a missed opportunity. Who doesn't like the idea of fighting demons with a flamethrower? Albeit that it raises the question of whether demons from hell would be vulnerable to fire. Some of them are already on fire. Some of then are literally made of fire. Wouldn't a flamethrower heal them? Hmm, Id Software? Wouldn't a flamethrower heal them? Why is Arkansas pronounced like that? Why don't you answer me, Id Software? Why?

Why don't you answer. Because you've mostly been laid off and you'd rather not talk about Doom right now. I understand. I apologise. You did a good job. You deserved better.

The DOOMSLAYER has a chainsaw. It spontaneously refills with petrol. Let's assume that the petrol tank is too small to cure humanity's energy crisis. In Doom 2016 it was mostly useful as a get-out-of-jail-free card that could kill the larger demons in one hit. In contrast Doom Eternal's chainsaw is mostly used to farm the lesser demons for ammo. It doesn't work against the tougher demons, so there's a new one-hit-kill weapon, the crucible, which is a giant sword. The crucible is disappointing. The developers didn't program thrusts and parries. There's no swordplay. It's just click-to-swipe, and although the weapon makes sense from a storyline point of view, I have the impression the developers didn't know what to do with it.

A plain glory kill restocks health, so the player has to work out what they need most, and either flamethrow the demons for armour, or chainsaw them for ammo, or hit them enough to stagger them for health, and also flamethrow them as a bonus, with the complication that the flamethrower and chainsaw take time to recharge. In addition the player has the aforementioned grenades, that also take time to recharge, plus a dash ability that recharges. The weapons have secondary fire modes that take time to recharge as well.

All of this extra stuff - this button-pressing and waiting for things to recharge - often feels like busywork. I found myself wondering what it actually added to the gameplay. In practice I gave up on trying to remember which thing had recharged and just periodically tapped the grenade key, the flamethrower key, or the chainsaw key, and I did manage to finish the game, once on hurt me plenty difficulty and a second time on ultraviolence. The game is apparently optimised for the nightmare difficulty level. Could I finish the game in nightmare mode? Perhaps, but it would be a slog.

I mean, I've been playing first-person shooters for nigh-on thirty years, and I really enjoyed Unreal: Tournament, which is faster-paced and more difficult than Doom Eternal, but I'm not as young as I was. On ultraviolence most of my deaths came about when I was trying to do something clever, or when I was trying to win a weapons mastery bonus. If I had knuckled down and actually used the BFG and crucible instead of perpetually keeping them in reserve I would have made much faster progress.

I have a theory. Doom 2016 didn't have any mission packs or season passes. I have the impression that the publishers didn't expect it to sell enough to justify any extra content. As a consequence the developers ended up with a tonne of ideas that all went into Doom Eternal, without a chance to playtest them all. If there had been DLC for the original Doom, the developers might have had time to work out which new mechanics were fun, and which were just busywork, but alas that didn't happen. Instead they shoved all of it into Doom Eternal. All of it. Everything. All at once.

What about the baddies? The array of demons is much the same as it was in Doom 2016. Perhaps the developers didn't have time to do a lot of new animation. There's an upgraded Mancubus, an upgraded Baron of Hell, Doom II-style Pain Elementals and Arch-Viles, and some weaker Cyberdemons, called Tyrants, who are surprisingly boring to fight. There's a new demon called the Doom Hunter, who is introduced with great fanfare but feels like a reject from Quake II. Plus a gladiator, who might have been a fun challenge, but he only appears once, in a boss encounter. Doom 2016 had some memorable boss encounters, but Doom Eternal is surprisingly low-key in that respect. One boss fight involves shooting some eyeballs and then punching a brain, which was so trivial I remember wondering if it was a boss encounter or a puzzle.


One baddie who does stand out, however, is the Marauder. He's introduced as a boss, and then he reappears as a regular heavy later in the game. He was and remains controversial. He's a bit like the shield soldiers, with the difference that the player can't force him to drop his shield with gunfire. Instead the player has to wait for the Marauder to charge, at which point he is briefly vulnerable. If the player shoots his shield too early he spawns a golden dog who tries to flank the player.

There are two problems. Firstly the game encourages the player to use weapon-switching to kill him, but every time I tried it he just raised his shield. I couldn't tell if my timing was terrible, or there was a bug, or if he was just naturally resistant to the ballista. Secondly, for all the hype surrounding him, including a dedicated cutscene, fighting him is surprisingly dull. The player just has to back off, wait for him to charge, shoot him, shoot him again, then back off. In fact the super shotgun plus meathook almost makes him trivial. The first shotgun blast staggers him, then the meathook brings the player into range for a point-blank shotgun hit, and after three or four repeats of this process the Marauder is no more. It can get tricky when the Marauder is part of a larger wave of baddies, but even then his high mobility means that he tends to leave the regular baddies behind.

That's enough about the combat. The game has some Master Levels, which are essentially regular maps but with different enemy spawns. My hunch is that the altered demon spawns were originally intended for the higher difficult levels, but the developers didn't have time, so they ended up using them as bonus maps instead. Here's a video of me playing one of the easier Master Levels, in Ultraviolence difficulty, with "classic" weapons (e.g. new weapons are scattered throughout the map, which is why I only use the shotgun and heavy cannon). Notice how the balance of fighting, jump, and farming the baddies is such that the battle attains a kind of hyponotic equilibrium. Of note the video is set to 18+ so you might need to pop off to YouTube to see it.

So, the combat is fantastic. Full marks. For the combat.

As mentioned up the page I like to imagine that the developers split themselves into three teams. They all did a good job. The combat is fantastic. The third team worked on the storyline. They also did a good job, but the game doesn't present the story very well. There's a big emphasis on hitting the TAB key to read text boxes, which may or may not be a deliberate throwback to the 1990s. There's a lot of backstory, but it slows the gameplay down, and conversely none of it is really worth the read.

Early in the game there's a short sequence where The DOOMSLAYER meets Valen, The Betrayer. There's a whole cutscene, although in practice he just gives the player a big battery. I remember thinking "who is that man", and "should I care about that man", and "will he re-appear", and "should I exercise restraint when using explosives", to which the answers are (a) that's explained in a text box (b) not really (c) no, he doesn't (d) no.

One level involves retrieving The DOOMSLAYER's special sword, but it's a shaggy dog story - it breaks, so he has to forge a new one - and as mentioned earlier it doesn't play much role in the gameplay. Yes, technically he uses it to kill a particularly significant demon, but it's just a McGuffin.


The story is told with text boxes, and the plot is mostly go-here, collect-this, then-go-there, which was true of Doom 2016, but I suspect the developers had higher hopes. It picks up towards the end. When it finally gets going, the story of how The DOOMSLAYER came to be, and the story of how the gods of his universe turned out to be just as evil as the demons, comma, was actually quite affecting. The heavenly expanse of Urdak has an air of tragic grandeur, and it's a shame the story doesn't get into the groove until the second-to-last level.

Which brings us to the third element. The in-between sections. Doom 2016 was basically a series of combat arenas linked with some corridors and a little bit of platforming. Doom Eternal amps this up by removing the corridors and turning the platforming sequences into full-on platform hell. The mixture of double-jumping and dashing reminded me of Ori and the Blind Forest, as indeed did the difficulty level. Has there ever been a game that looked so cute, but was so maddeningly hard, as Ori and the Blind Forest? On the surface it's beautiful, but underneath it's evil. Just like communism or any political system devised by misanthropic, middle-class hipsters with beards. I don't want to be reminded of Ori and the Blind Forest. I loved that game, and also hated it. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to be numb.

Do you remember Mirror's Edge? I wrote about it a few years ago. First-person platforming is very hard to pull off, because the player can't see their feet. Mirror's Edge was built from the ground up as a first-person platform game and it mostly worked. The engine made the player feel like an actual physical body, with hands and feet, clambering onto things and bashing into walls, whereas most first-person games until that point made the player feel like a remote camera hovering in a vacuum.

I don't know if the developers of Doom Eternal ever played Mirror's Edge, although the game was very influential so I have to assume they were aware of it. Whatever the case, the in-between-sections of Doom Eternal feel a lot like Mirror's Edge, but harder, because they're less grounded in reality and there's lava. In isolation Doom Eternal's platforming sections are well-executed, but they don't mix with the rest of the game.


They don't mix well at all. I bought Doom Eternal when it came out on budget in 2022, but I didn't warm to it, and after five hours I gave up and went to Greenland instead. Part of the problem is that the early levels aren't much fun. They feel like glorified tutorials. But most of the problem is that - as with the rock-paper-scissors element - the game throws platforming at the player right from the start. The second level has a sequence (pictured above) where the player must drop down from a height, then dash through a gap, then double-jump-and-dash up the other side onto a wall, then jump from the wall and double-dash to a second wall. The same map has sequence where the player has to jump between collapsing platforms onto a swing-bar, then into a mid-air power-up that refills the player's dash ability, all above a sea of lava. I remember seeing this and thinking "what went wrong".

Later in the game I remember one particular jump that involved leaping from a wall, onto a jump pad,  then pulling a 180 and dashing and jumping so as to avoid a huge piece of spinning debris. The problem with the platforming sections is that they're off-puttingly difficult until the player gets the knack, at which point they become a boring triviality. I'm reminded of The Last Guardian on the PlayStation 4, which has a similar problem. Once you know what to do, there isn't any challenge. Furthermore the combat and platforming are completely separate. Doom 2016's exploration sequences had a bit of action and a bit of exploration, but Doom Eternal separates the two flavours entirely. When there is platforming, there are no monsters, and vice-versa.

To be fair, if the player falls into oblivion they're returned to the start of the platforming section with a little bit of health taken off, but I still hated the platforming sections, and then I was bored with them. I never enjoyed them. They brought the game to a standstill when they appeared. The developers would probably argue that they exist to hone the player's mobility, but in the combat arenas I never had to drop down from a wall, then dash, then jump up, then dash, then grab a wall etc. In fact most of my mobility came from the super shotgun's meathook, which is never used in the platforming sections.

Also, do you know what else honed my mobility? The combat arenas. I didn't need a separate set of tutorials to learn how to navigate the combat arenas. The combat arenas themselves taught me that.

The platforming would have been inoffensive if it was optional. The game has bonus elements in each of the levels. Generally one or two extra combat encounters, plus a separate, optional mini-arena that rewards the player with part of the key to a special weapon. If the platforming had been a kind of bonus "show us your skills" element, I wouldn't have minded. But it's mandatory. There are no short-cuts. The player has to knuckle down and learn how to jump and shoot a switch then dash and wall-grab then double-dash and double-jump and so forth.

So, on the whole, Doom Eternal has great combat, and the rock-paper-scissors element is much less annoying than it could have been. Only one of the new enemies requires a completely different gameplay style, and he only appears a few times. However after every arena the game grinds to a halt, because there's some unavoidable, unskippable platforming. The platforming is unenjoyable the first time and boring thereafter. The story doesn't get going until the very end.

The game has considerably more replayability than Doom 2016, with a bunch of Master Levels that add new monster spawns, plus some optional cheat codes that allow the player to indulge their power fantasies. One cheat code even dubs applause over the gameplay, with the occasional incongruous "yeah" during quiet moments and a dog bark. But I can't bring myself to max out all the secrets because the pacing is bitty and the levels are slightly too long to play casually.


Performance-wise Doom Eternal looks a lot like a predecessor, which is to say that it's a very attractive game. I would use the word chunky to describe the scenery. With my bog-standard Intel i3 / Geforce GTX 1650 combination it hit a steady 60fps at 1080 resolution. The game doesn't require ray-tracing or anything fancy. It has some occasionally quite epic scenery, but it never slows down. There is some odd pop-in, whereby objects at the edge of the screen appear from thin air when the player turns around - presumably they were being loaded from disc - but it was unnoticeable during the action gameplay. EDIT: Since writing that paragraph I bought a second-hand Geforce GTX 1080, which is ancient - it was released in 2016 - but still pretty slick today at 1080. It easily runs Doom Eternal at max settings at 60fps albeit that it can't do raytracing


What about the music? Doom 2016 had a fantastic electronic metal soundtrack by Mick Gordon, who produced oodles of music for the game and then edited it all down for the accompanying soundtrack LP, which was released on double and quadruple vinyl. Gordon outdid himself. A joke going around at the time was that Doom was a fantastic industrial metal album with a pretty good free game.

Sadly Doom Eternal isn't in the same league. There's one absolutely superb action theme, "The Only Thing They Fear is You", and the ending credits music is brooding and atmospheric. Unfortunately the rest of the soundtrack is a kind of aural wallpaper. It works well in context, but I don't remember any of it.

But therein lies a tale. Shortly after Doom Eternal's soundtrack was released there were complaints on the internet that the mastering was poor, and that some songs appeared to be stitched together from parts of other songs. Furthermore the soundtrack was only available digitally, and at over four hours it felt as if the producers had simply thrown together every scrap of music from the game, whether it was meant to be enjoyed in isolation or not.

Mick Gordon pointed out online that he had only tangentially been involved in the final mixing, at which point one of Id's executives seemed to take personal offence, posting a lengthy message on Reddit to complain that Gordon had missed deadlines, and that most of his music was atmospheric noodling rather than hard action themes, and that Gordon should not have badmouthed the end product.

Gordon responded with a lengthy essay on Medium.com. He pointed out that the soundtrack album was sold as Mick Gordon's Doom Eternal, and that the had every right to criticise something that had his name on it. Secondly he revealed that Id had given him a deadline of two weeks to produce a suite of music for each of the game's levels, with no time to bounce ideas off the team, in part because he had to compose the music blind, because the levels and indeed general shape of the game hadn't been designed yet. Ultimately he was contracted to produce just over two hours of music, but ended up submitting double that, because Id continually rejected his contributions.

Towards the end of the process he was given an extra fortnight to create the soundtrack album, only to find that Id had already asked one of their audio designers to assemble it from Gordon's outtakes. The soundtrack album was therefore a mixture of a dozen tracks that Gordon had managed to master for release, plus an hour or so of Gordon's unmixed musical score, plus two hours of outtakes that Id technically hadn't paid for.

As a consequence relations between Gordon and Id broke down, and Doom Eternal's mission packs were scored by other composers. It seems unlikely Gordon will ever return to the series. The Doom Eternal soundtrack itself never had a wide release. It was only ever available as a bonus for people who pre-ordered the game, although the individual tracks are widely available on Youtube. As a happy postscript Mick Gordon is apparently going to headline RADAR 2027, a Sheffield-based music festival, where he will perform his music for the Doom games with a full band and orchestra. Let's all cross our fingers and hope that Id Software doesn't set their lawyers on him, or something.

Still, in summary, Doom Eternal is basically one step forward and two steps back from Doom 2016. The combat is more fluid, more jumpy, harder but just as fair. It has a steep learning curve and the early maps aren't much fun, but once the player amasses an arsenal and learns how to get stuck in it's one one the best first-person shooters I've ever played, on a par with the original Unreal: Tournament. The expanded storyline is at least mostly transparent, although it doesn't really get going until the end, but the game as a whole is tainted by the platform sequences, which kill the pacing and simply aren't fun to play. The end result is a real curate's egg of a game.

What happened next? The game was a big hit. Enough to justify a pair of expansion packs, The Ancient Gods 1 and 2, released in 2020 and 2021 respectively. The first is apparently more of the same, but harder. The second apparently dials things down a little bit, but has a convoluted plot. I have no special desire to play either DLC.

A third game in the revival series followed in 2025. Doom: The Dark Ages is a prequel that tells the story of how The DOOMSLAYER came to be. It tones down the jumpy, weapon-swappy gameplay of Doom Eternal in favour of straightforward blasting. The DOOMSLAYER now has a multi-purpose shield. Unfortunately it doesn't appear to have sold very well. The publishers haven't released official numbers, but it was released essentially for free on the Xbox, as part of that platform's Game Pass subscription service, and it had one-third Doom Eternal's Steam player count at launch.

My hunch is that fans of Doom 2016 who were alienated by Doom Eternal stayed away. A launch price of $70 / £70 / €80 didn't help. And the game requires a graphics card that supports raytracing, so even if I wanted to buy it, I wouldn't be able to run it. I would need to spend an extra £200 on a suitable second-hand GPU.

To date The Dark Ages has had one expansion pack, Revelations, which was released in July 2026, just a couple of months ago. Unfortunately this coincided with a massive wave of lay-offs at Microsoft's gaming studios, including Id Software. It remains to be seen how this will affect the Doom series.

Nonetheless Id has a long history of shedding talent, but bouncing back. It lost Tom Hall during the development of Doom, John Romero and Sandy Petersen during the development of Quake, Adrian Carmack around the time of Doom 3, John Carmack post-Rage, and admittedly whilst this happened the company went from being the world leader in 3D action games to being an irrelevant has-been, but the point still stands, whatever it was. Id will probably rise again, and so will Doom, unless it doesn't, the end.

Saturday, 1 August 2026

Upgrading a 2013 Mac Pro: CPU

Back in 2022 I bought a second-hand 2013 Apple Mac Pro. When it was new Apple sold it as a state-of-the-art 4K video editing machine, stuffed into a shapely metal corset, but it had problems. The cooling system struggled to evacuate the heat of its internal components, and as the years rolled on there was no way to upgrade the internal graphics hardware without a major internal redesign.
 
And so the launch models of the 2013 Mac Pro remained on sale completely unchanged for six years. In 2017 Apple discontinued the basic four-core model and cut the machine's price, simultaneously announcing that they were working on a replacement model, but they didn't upgrade the hardware. A twelve-core Mac Pro bought in 2013 was exactly the same as a twelve-core Mac Pro bought in early 2019, by which time it was very a very poor deal.
 
The new Mac Pro finally came out in June 2019. It reverted back to the tower case design that had been used for the 2006-2012 models. On the upside it was state-of-the-art, but on the downside it was very expensive. And so the 2013 model had a second life on the used market as a relatively cheap video editing machine, especially when combined with an external GPU enclosure.
 
As of 2022 the 2013 Mac Pro is available cheaply second-hand. It's totally obsolete, but it's cute, and just as importantly it's feasible to send it through the post, so it has a certain amount of liquidity. At £2999 it was obnoxious, but for £199 it has charm. It doesn't make a lot of rational sense in 2026, but if you want a cheap all-in-one gaming PC that can run XCOM: Enemy Within and Fallout: New Vegas at max settings, comma, and you're prepared to fiddle with Bootcamp or hacky Windows installers, comma, it's an interesting choice. It's decent as a kind of left-field Mac mini as well. The humblest Apple Silicon-powered Mac mini is much more powerful, but the Mac Pro has ports, lots of ports.
 
 
The 2013 Mac Pro has a lot of ports. Ten ports. That's a lot of ports. The 2013 Mac Pro embodied two bold ideas. Firstly it did away with internal expansion in favour of a lot of high-speed ports. 4xUSB3, 6xThunderbolt 2, plus dual Ethernet and a HDMI port. It will drive six external monitors at 1080p without breaking a sweat, or alternatively three monitors at 5K.
 
On the downside it did away with PCI card support. Users who had hardware that connected to a PCI card were left in the cold, unless they bought an external PCI enclosure. A related problem is that the 2013 Mac Pro inevitably ended up with a spaghetti morass of cables coming out the back. The mass of cables took up less space than a 2005-2012 Mac Pro case, but it looked awful. And it didn't have FireWire, but that wasn't specific to the 2013 Mac Pro. Apple generally dropped FireWire with their 2012 models, and they did sell an adapter dongle.
 
The Pro came with a pair of graphics cards. That was its second big idea. One of the cards worked as a regular graphics card and the other was used as a general-purpose maths accelerator. The regular GPU is pictured on the right, with the maths accelerator on the left:
 
 
Sadly the dual-GPU idea was a disaster. Almost no software used the accelerator card. Final Cut apparently used it to speed up the preview display of some effects, but not video rendering. Civilization 5, the video game, apparently used it to speed up terrain generation. Despite the passage of thirteen years I can't find any other concrete examples of an application that used the card. Apple has a long history of coming up with technical solutions that fail to attract developers, such as the DSP chip in some of the Macintosh Quadra AV models, or the 64-bit processor in the PowerPC G5 range, or the Afterburner accelerator card that was an option for the 2019 Mac Pro. All of those things were great on paper, but almost nothing used them, so they were pointless.
 
The irony is that Windows actually can use the Mac Pro's second card to speed up graphics. AMD has a technology called CrossFireX that gangs the two cards together, SLI-style, but it only works with Windows. In my experience the aforementioned Civilization 5 - one of the few games I own that runs on Windows and MacOS - is smoother under Windows.
 
The dual GPU setup had some unfortunate side-effects. The two cards have to be arranged in a certain configuration - GPU on the right, maths accelerator on the left, as pictured above - and they both have to be present, so in practice if one card fails the other card can't be used as a spare. There were only three options (2gb-per-card D300, 3gb D500, 6gb D700), and they weren't sold separately. If you wanted to upgrade your D300 model to a D700 model you couldn't simply buy replacement cards from Apple, you either had to find them on the used market, or buy a complete new Mac Pro.
 
Both the form factor and the connector are unique to the Mac Pro, and no-one in China or anywhere else ever reverse engineered the design, so there were no alternatives. As of 2026, if one or other card fails the only practical solution is to replace the entire Mac Pro. In a twist of fate the base-level D300s are popular nowadays because they generate the least amount of heat and thus last longer. They're unimpressive, but the same is true of the other two cards. "They are all equal now."
 
But isn't that true of people? Aren't we similarly fragile? No, it is not true of people. If one of my lungs fails, I could survive with the other lung. Ditto my kidneys and testicles. God intended for the human animal to dominate this planet. Apple should have paid attention. Instead Apple strayed. Apple strayed from God's light.
 
About the one part of the 2013 Mac Pro that can be upgraded easily, beyond the RAM, is the CPU. 
 

I bought my Mac Pro purely so I could run Logic. I have an old FireWire audio interface, which connects seamlessly to the Mac Pro with a Thunderbolt-FireWire adapter cable. When I bought the cable it was £29, which seemed exorbitant. But then Apple discontinued it, at which point the price quintupled. It seems that there are still FireWire hold-outs in the world.  FireWire gives me a warm, pleasant feeling.
 
My Mac Pro is the basic, D300 model. It has a quad-core Intel Xeon E5-1620 v2, running at 3.7ghz, with 16gb of RAM, and the original 512gb SSD. With Open Core Legacy Patcher it runs MacOS Sequoia, and it does pretty much everything I want, but in a fit of boredom I decided to upgrade it.
 
The machine will take a maximum of 128gb of RAM, although beyond 64gb the RAM slows down from 1866mhz to 1066mhz, so 64gb is the sweet spot. Given the price of RAM nowadays I decided to stick with 16gb. My machine has 4x4gb memory sticks, taking up all four slots, so an upgrade to 64gb would involve throwing the original memory away and buying 4x16gb sticks instead, which as of mid-2026 would cost around £80. Would I notice a difference? Probably not.
 
This is how it benchmarks in Geekbench 6:
 

Before doing all of this I really should have rendered a video. Then I would have a real-world example. But alas I didn't. 
 
The 2013 Mac Pro is compatible with the E5 16XX and 26XX V2 Xeons, so I popped over to eBay and picked up a 10-core, 3ghz Xeon E5-2690 V2 for £13.06. It's clocked slower than the original CPU, but it has more cores. Apparently the 8-core Mac Pro had the best balance between high-speed single-core execution and parallel multi-core execution, but £13.06 has a quality all its own.
 
The 2690 looks like this, on the right, next to the original 1620:
 
 
As you can see it has more capacitors. Because it's better. Here's what it looks like when photographed with an infrared camera, because I had an infrared camera lying around. Do you remember when this blog was about photography? It still is, but it used to too.
 


It was packaged in Malaysia. Where was it actually made? I have no idea.
 
Upgrading the 2013 is frustrating. The machine can be stripped down to its component parts with a set of Torx screwdriver bits, and all the components can be replaced. But there were never any third-party options, so the only replacements were direct from Apple, at great expense. I've said it before, but the 2013 Mac Pro is like those LEGO kits that use masses of custom parts and custom stickers. You can replace them, but only with the same thing, and only by purchasing the exact same LEGO kit. The CPU is however one of the few parts that can be upgraded with a non-standard replacement. I mention this because Apple never sold a ten-core Mac Pro, only four, six, eight, and twelve-core.
 
I followed iFixIt's handy guideThe mightiest shall be the first to fall. Where did that come from? The mightiest shall be the first to fall. It's from Zoids. That's where it's from. Why did that come to me. Why. You'll need a T5, a T8, and a T10 Torx screwdriver, plus some thermal paste. And ideally a soft brush and a blower to get rid of thirteen years of dust. As you brush away the dust, think of all the life choices that brought you to this point. Brushing away thirteen years of dust from an obsolete old computer, instead of sitting at a cafe in Venice sipping a lemonade, or resting your head on the firm buttocks of a thirty-five-year-old fitness instructor. There are some things that money can't buy. A sincere smile. And perhaps money can buy even that. I hope not.
 
Step one is to take off the fan. Technically step one is to accept that you can't always get what you want, and the best you can hope for is to salvage some happiness from what remains of this world. And then you have to take off the fan. The fan is held on with five Torx screws. The central heatsink resembles Darth Vader's mask. Some of the screws have anti-tamper blue paint, but the 2013 Mac Pro's warranty expired long ago and Apple no longer services it. I intend to tamper.
 

 
Look at all that dust. The central heat tunnel was the 2013 Mac Pro's other big idea. The designers attempted to cool the CPU, the two GPUs, and the SSD with a single heatsink that had one fan sitting on top of it. Air flowed up through the Mac Pro's central heat tunnel, and also between the metal case and the outside-facing parts of the machine, thus making two thermal zones. The heatsink was an elegant solution that worked well in 2013, but it doomed the machine's long-term prospects.
 
Think of a modern high-end graphics card. They're huge, chunky things with their own fans and separate power connectors. You can't fit anything like that into a 2013 Mac Pro, which is why the machine remained on sale unchanged for so long. Apple quickly realised that the design was a dead end. Towards the end of its life some users took to attaching external graphics cards - eGPUs - to the Mac Pro with a PCI enclosure, but it wasn't cheap. As of 2026 there's no point.
 
After cleaning up the fan, here's what it looks like in infrared:
 

The next to come off is the base, also held on with Torx screws:
 

The interconnect board pops out of the bottom:
 

The board slots into the motherboard. It acts as a bridge between the two graphics cards, the ports, and the motherboard.
 
The next thing to come off is the power supply cage, at which point I realised that I didn't have a T5 Torx bit. So I ordered one from the internet, and while it was in transit I took the opportunity to do some other work. I have in my possession a Doepfer A-112 sampler module. It's a simple 8-bit Eurorack sampler:
 

It has 128kb of memory arranged in two banks of 64kb. Each bank can store a sample, for a total of two samples. The memory is backed up with a rechargeable battery that tends to corrode after a while. Mine was corroding a little bit so I bought a replacement. It's the little green thing pictured here:
 

Fitting the new battery involves a little bit of soldering, but it's not particularly hard. You have to unsolder the three legs here:
 

Then pop out the old battery and insert the replacement. In practice I melted the solder a bit, popped off the old battery, popped in the new battery, and let the solder resolidify. Here's what the PCB looks like in infrared. Infrared tends to penetrate the surface a little bit, which makes the PCB traces stand out:
 


The end result isn't pretty, but it works. The battery is only used to store samples in memory, but in practice unless you use it as a wavetable synthesiser the A-112 is only really useful for short, bassy notes, which are easy to re-sample if the memory fails.
 
It also has a MIDI sample import function, albeit that this relies on arcane knowledge of MIDI SYSEX, or a DOS / Windows 3.1/95 utility that was written in 1999 and hasn't been updated since. A bit of tinkering with DOSBox actually got this working, almost, but it was flaky.
 

Back to the Mac Pro. After carefully pulling off the power supply brick the next thing to go was the port enclosure:


To be fair, it was nice of Apple to make the ports replaceable. Most PC motherboards have the ports soldered directly to the motherboard. After years of plugging and unplugging things the solder can break, which either requires some work to fix the motherboard, or a completely new board.
 
Taking out the port enclosure reveals the brackets that keep the CPU clamped to the motherboard:

 
Firstly you must unscrew the outermost four screws, at which point the motherboard separates from the heatsink. This revealed thirteen-year-old thermal paste, which was starting to solidify and flake off:
 
 

Apple didn't spare the paste. That's real Apple paste, right there. The next step is to unscrew the innermost quartet of screws. At this point the CPU brackets, plus the CPU itself, may or may not fall off the motherboard. Actually replacing the CPU is easy, although you have to make sure that the little round hole in the corner is opposite the edge connector.
 
Reassembling the CPU bracket is by far the hardest part of the process. The problem is that you have to do it upside down, with the CPU facing downwards, screwing the screws through the motherboard from the back. You have to hold the CPU in place otherwise it just falls out. My suggestion is that you reassemble it all before you add fresh thermal paste, and rest the upside-down motherboard against something smooth, with a bit of give - such as the book pictured above - while you screw in the screws. 
 
The first time I tried the result didn't look right, and after dismantling it I realised that the CPU was misaligned slightly. It's a good job I didn't screw the screws in tightly. The second time looked perfect, so I screwed the screws all the way in. Then I applied thermal paste. I have to admit that I just washed my finger with warm soapy water, dried it off, then used my finger rather than a spudger.
 
Reassembly goes in reverse. Thankfully the process is designed so that it's difficult to mix up the screws. Off the top of my head the Mac Pro uses 2x5xT10 (top and bottom), 4xT10 (wide, for the CPU bracket), 2xT5, 2xT8 (black), and 4xT8 (silver), and it's obvious from the context which goes where. Putting the top back on was surprisingly hard, though. Every screw except one fit neatly into place. I had to squeeze the case to make the last screw fit, but perhaps it was designed that way, in order to keep the heatsink firmly pressed against the CPU.
 
After reassembling the machine I was expecting it to fail. I was expecting a string of angry beeps followed by nothing. Or a screen of text telling me that there was an error in subsystem X. But no, it booted first time.
 


The Macintosh recognised the new CPU. Activity Monitor showed twenty cores, because the Xeon uses hyperthreading, so each core can run two processes. After using it for an hour in order to give the thermal paste some time to settle, I ran Geekbench 6 again:



The original score was 801/2666, so the ten-core upgrade is about 6% slower at single core-tasks but around 85% faster at multi-core tasks. Does this help me on a practical level? After using the machine a bit more it didn't feel any faster, but I haven't edited any video with it. The temperatures seem lower, but whether that's because I cleaned out all the dust, or because the machine isn't pushing as hard, I don't know.
 
In terms of benchmarks the 2013 Mac Pro was overtaken even before the switch to Apple Silicon. Purely in terms of CPU power my souped-up Mac Pro is almost, but not quite, as powerful as one of the last-generation of Intel-powered i5 and i7 Mac minis. The Silicon-powered Macintoshes trounce it. The hot-off-the-presses MacBook Neo is around twice to four times more powerful. The performance differential is even more impressive when you consider power consumption. At idle the 2013 Mac Pro draws 43w, whereas the Neo draws around 9w, topping out at around 33w while under load.
 
The new CPU works just as well with Bootcamp-ed Windows 10, although I learn that CrossFireX is now called MGPU. I have no idea if it actually does anything to make games run faster, but as mentioned previously Civ 5 felt smoother under Windows. That might be because Windows has better drivers in general. Furthermore XCOM: Enemy Within and Fallout: New Vegas are smoother under Windows by default, because they don't work on MacOS at all. At the very least Windows appears to be doing something with the second GPU:
 
 
Can you make money from this? No. There might have been a small window of time when you could buy a four-core Mac Pro, upgrade the CPU cheaply, then sell it on for a profit. The problem is that Ivy Bridge Xeons were overpriced for much of their life, and now their time has been and gone.
 
There's a famous internet porn star called Mistress T (not her real name). Imagine Mistress T wearing latex stockings, standing over an Ivy Bridge Xeon, laughing at it, while poking it with high-heel boots. It's a powerful mental image. Powerful and distracting. If you plan to make money fixing old Mac Pros by replacing the CPU, the problem is that the CPU generally doesn't break. It's the GPUs that break, and they're worth more than the Mac Pro.
 
Still, that is how I upgraded my 2013 Mac Pro in the Year of Our Lord, 2026. At first it was a four-core machine that was thirteen years out of date. Now it's a ten-core machine that is about eight years out of date, saddled to a graphics card that's thirteen years out of date. On the other hand the work only cost me £13.06 (for the CPU) plus £9.99 (for a new set of Torx bits) and a couple of afternoons. Conceptually the process just involves unscrewing things, blowing out dust, and applying thermal paste. Then you screw it all together again, although some of the screws, particularly the CPU bracket, are quite tough the end.