MRE Menu 2: Beef Shredded in Barbecue Sauce

I may not be as entertaining as the other paragraphs, but I was the first.

My version of menu 2 had a pair of tortillas, a big cookie, some beans, some barbecue sauce, "tropical punch flavored no fruit juice", and cheese spread with jalapenos. Some versions of the menu have orange juice instead of fruit juice.

Today we're going to have a look at MRE Menu 2: Beef Shredded, in Barbecue Sauce. As a postmodern joke I was originally going to write this article as if each paragraph was a living creature with thoughts of its own, but I realised that I would have to relinquish control of the narrative, which isn't going to happen.

So I had the paragraphs euthanised and replaced with new paragraphs of my own creation, such as this paragraph and the next one and the next one etc. I also carefully disinfected all the white spaces, because hygiene is important in these troubled times.

MREs are ready-to-eat meals first deployed by the US military in the early 1980s. They're intended as a supplement for field canteens and ordinary restaurant food; on the civilian market they don't make a lot of sense, but they're a fun novelty. I became aware of them during the first Gulf War, when their artificial plastic nature seemed to mirror Western society in the post-Cold War era. MREs have a shelf life of five years, although when stored in cool conditions they can last for much longer. The oldest MRE I have eaten was made in 2002, and although most of it was spoiled the main meal was not only edible but surprisingly good.

Top online MRE reviewer Steve1989 has eaten MREs from as far back as 1984, albeit that his example was carefully stored:

The problem from a survival point of view is that a big bag of rice, noodles, wheat etc is cheaper and will survive far longer. MREs are very bulky and use masses of plastic, and purely as sustenance they're very expensive.

Still, let's taste the whip, in love not given lightly, and try out the coffee, instant, type II:

The accessory packet includes gum, "toilet paper", and a moist towelette that doesn't claim to have any antibacterial properties so it's probably no use at fighting COVID.

As always the coffee was hard rather than smooth, but the Splenda(r) sweetener ruined it. Other MREs have actual sugar, in which case the coffee is perfectly acceptable instant coffee, but the artificial sweetener tasted sickly and wrong.

Still, let's get the main meal cooking. The FRH was super effective:

I put the beef and the beans on either side of the FRH. Let's try to kill off my kidneys by eating the big cookie and drinking the drincc:

No, Kimi, you will not have the drincc. In my experience MRE fruit drinks generally don't mix well unless you put water in the packet and aggressively slosh it around. This time I just used a spoon. The end result was chalky, not very impressive. I think I diluted it too much. The cookie was a big cookie, no more, no less. The people who make MREs have obviously mastered the art of packing cakes and cookies; they are the most consistently good parts of the MREs I have tried.

Menu 2 is unusually inflexible. The addition of crackers would improve things immensely. The problem is that it has two very similar main meals, beans and beef:

Plus barbecue sauce, but it feels odd to add sauce to a pair of meals that already have sauce. In the end I put them all onto a plate with the cheese:

It's actually much tastier than it looks. The barbecue sauce gives it a tang without being overpowering; the artificial cheese is simultaneously vile and excellent in a post-pub-food way; the beans are just beans, but the beef makes a decent stab at being stewed beef. It's not on a par with the awesome meat payload of Polish MREs, but it's pretty good. I made some tortillas with the tortillas:

In summary Menu 2 is unusually spartan. It's essentially a big cookie with two very similar main meals. Most other MREs are designed with a pudding, a main meal, and a combination of elements that can be mixed into a third food item or alternatively added to the meal; in this case you could in theory have cheese tortillas with barbecue sauce, but they would be very bland and messy.

It feels pointless having two meals that are almost the same; why not have shredded beef with black beans in a double-sized packet? But perhaps it wouldn't cook properly if it was too thick. I don't know. As is the case with most MREs the main meal would be great with chips, but without chips it feels incomplete. And so do I.